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John Lamb, Published March 05 2014

Lamb: Hipsters pay big bucks for whisker implants

I generally roll my eyes at news stories about hipsters, but one last week had me stroking my beard with interest.

Granted, most headlines in the New York Post are head-scratchers, but, “Hipster Wannabes get Facial Hair Transplants” was a real, umm, chin-scratcher.

According to the article, trendy young men bummed about their lack of substantial stubble are willingly taking one on the chin. And the cheeks. And the upper lip. The mustache-less men are paying up to $8,500 to have someone else’s hair transplanted onto their faces.

Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, a New York plastic surgeon, said he performs up to three beard implants a week. A few years ago, the Post reports, he only did “a handful.”

“[Clients] want full beards because it’s a masculine look. Beards are an important male identifier,” Epstein said in the story.

The article fingers Brooklyn as the hotbed for beard transplants. The borough, particularly neighborhoods like Williamsburg, Bushwick and Park Slope, are well-known as a hipster havens, home to overly earnest young men in skinny jeans and wool caps, doodling with artisan pencils and drinking ridiculous coffee out of hand-carved wooden cups.

People like “Danny,” who was either too cool or too embarrassed to give his last name when he talked to the Post. He used to be so distraught over his sparse stubble that he used an eyebrow pencil to fill in his underbrush. That was until two years ago when he paid $8,500 for a follicle transplant.

“I have a baby face but now I’m able to look older. My fashion statement is a little edgy, and I do like the ‘rugged look,’ ” he told the Post. “It’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”

If that is one of the best financial decisions “Danny” ever made, I have a certain borough’s bridge I’d like to sell him.

Scratch that. I have a beard I’d like to sell him.

Every year I put away the razor on Nov. 1 and don’t pick it up again for four months, when Bros on Broadway is over. Bros is the little brother of the Hotel Donaldson’s Bras on Broadway. Instead of a fundraiser to aid those fighting breast cancer, Bros helps men fighting prostate cancer, with participants raising money by showing off some stylish facial hair.

Tonight marks the end of the campaign with a big party at the HoDo. Come tomorrow I’ll be ready to part ways with my facial fuzz.

So why not offer up my beard to some deluded and spendthrift hipster if it raises a couple grand for Bros?

Grown organically in the fertile Red River Valley, this hardy face warmer will protect you from the elements, store cookie crumbs for later use and scare away most people, while attracting birds to nest.

The versatile Lambeard can even be grown out for use in crafting. Just twist and tie and you have your own macramé hanging pot holder. Or, braid it, smoke a long pipe and you’re Gimli, the dwarf warrior from “Lord of the Rings.”

Best of all, the hipster won’t just be buying a beard, he’d be helping out someone fighting cancer. And that will always make you cooler than a beard.

Readers can reach Forum reporter John Lamb at (701) 241-5533

If you go

What: Bros on Broadway

When: 6 tonight

Where: The Hotel Donaldson, 101 Broadway, N., Fargo

Info: Tickets are $25 in advance, $30 at the door. brosonbroadway.com (701) 478-1000.