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John Lamb, Published March 31 2013

Headlines we hope we don’t see

Today is April Fools’ Day, a holiday devoted to practical jokes and pranks.

It’s a holiday that isn’t celebrated everywhere. Here at The Forum we take news very seriously and give you the information you need to know. We don’t take our business lightly, and hard-boiled journalists like myself don’t have time for jokes.

So you won’t see any jokes in today’s paper. In fact, we nixed these joke headlines so as not to tarnish our credibility.

Flood hits record crest; Walaker says ‘oops’

Mahoney mix-up: Singer swipes official’s safety vest while commissioner plays Windbreak

FARGO – In an odd case of switched identities, pop singer and “The Voice” alumnus Tim Mahoney impersonated Fargo deputy mayor and city commissioner Tim Mahoney by stealing his namesake’s signature fluorescent vest. The singer proceeded to ban “The Voice” judge Adam Levine from town.

The defrocked city leader took the opportunity to realize a lifelong dream and performed a set of his own pop songs at The Windbreak.

Bill Gates caught on Forum’s Downtown Cam getting out of HoDo hot tub, toweling off with Denny Dollars

FARGO – On the eve of his keynote speech at Concordia College in Moorhead, Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates may have had viewers quickly closing windows when The Forum’s Downtown Cam caught him emerging from the HoDo hot tub.

Further confusion ensued when Gates insisted on toweling off with Denny Dollars.

‘Weather Kid’ William Hallman replaces Willard Scott, suddenly goes bald and ages 70 years

Duhamel, Fergie name baby ‘Minot Bakken’: Proud parents announce newborn to run for ND governor in 2048

Bison fail in quest for 3-peat; Bohl loses bet, gets perm

‘Gambler’ singer Rogers plays WE Fest, loses fortune at Shooting Star

MAHNOMEN, Minn. – Kenny Rogers should’ve taken the advice in his best-known song, “The Gambler.”

Instead, the singer didn’t know when to hold ’em or know when to fold ’em and walked away from Shooting Star Casino a big loser.

Blenders break up: Christmas canceled

Taylor Swift cancels Fargo show; Fargodome scrambles to land replacement Tammy Swift

FARGO – In a mad scramble to replace country star Taylor Swift after she canceled her Fargo show, Fargodome officials tabbed an equally blonde and curly coifed replacement to fill in, former Forum columnist Tammy Swift.

Sonic opens, closes after damning Hagerty review

Readers can reach Forum reporter John Lamb at (701) 241-5533