Ryan Bakken, Forum Communications, Published December 10 2012
Ryan Bakken: If Mayans are right, no Christmas shopping
If the Mayans are right, the world will end on Dec. 21. That means any effort I put into Christmas shopping would be wasted.
I hate wasting my time almost as much as I hate shopping. So forgoing Christmas shopping is win-win, right?
Of course, there’s the outside chance that the Mayans miscalculated. Remember, a “biblical scholar” named Harold Camping predicted that Judgment Day would happen on May 21, 2011. We know how that turned out.
Despite Harold’s mathematical error, I believe the Mayans. Or, perhaps, I just want to believe the Mayans because the alternative is shopping. I’m clueless about shopping, even though my list is one person long.
Yes, my sole shopping responsibility is my spouse.
In recent years, I’ve bitten my tongue and gone the safe route. And the easy route. That means jewelry. Nice jewelry.
However, nice jewelry may not be in the budget this year. That’s because there is a wedding in the works. Yes, despite six years of shame and parental abuse in the form of her father habitually chaperoning her school dances, beleaguered daughter Andrea is engaged to be married.
Friends already have warned us that weddings these days cost the same as Van Gogh paintings — if you don’t count the dress. They say the father of the bride has only two important roles — walking down the aisle without tripping and writing checks to the point of carpal tunnel.
They tell me that I’m not losing a daughter, but instead gaining a second mortgage. They also were helpful in recommending a former CIA agent for the obligatory investigation of the groom.
Yes, these fathers-of-the-bride have been a great help. The one piece of advice they all offered was this: Bribe the couple into eloping.
You’ll come out ahead, they say, maybe even enough to afford Christmas presents.