Ronni Berke, CNN, Published November 03 2012
Tips for dating after age 50I never thought I’d be here, but here I am. And let me tell you – dating at midlife just ain’t what it’s cracked up to be.
What’s that, you say? Internet dating is all the rage. There’s no stigma anymore. It makes perfect sense. With our hypercharged careers, family responsibilities, keeping up with the news and working out – who has the time to meet people anymore? Forget singles bars. What woman in her 50s really enjoys meeting strange men at bars? Oh, wait. Most Internet “first dates” begin at bars. With strange men. Still, the draw is strong. Everybody seems to know somebody who’s met her significant other online.
“Marie met the love of her life,” said a friend. “She was smart enough to increase her radius of possibilities to 150 miles. And then she found Ben – only three hours away.” Only three hours? What nobody really seems to tell you is that for every online dating success story, there are hundreds of failures: misleading (or outright fraudulent) profiles, years-old photos (at 50, that makes a real difference), awkward conversations, sexual miscues, and clearly incompatible goals.
My situation is fairly typical. After juggling two children and a demanding job, my first marriage ended in divorce. About a year later, I encountered a friendly, good-looking neighbor, who had just recently become single. Howard became my second husband and the love of my life. That made it all the more crushing when he died of a brain tumor two years into our marriage. Thus began a long period of mourning, in which I helped usher my two daughters into adulthood, and devoted more attention to my career. But I was awfully lonely.
My friends would gently nudge me: “Why don’t you just go out more, even with friends?” “Have you checked out JDate?” And the always dependable: “Take a class. You’ll meet people.” But I was stubborn. Oddly, I’m a very social person. Why was I cutting myself off from the world? My reasoning was this: If I don’t do anything, don’t “get out there,” nothing bad will happen. As in no disappointment, no heartbreak. There’s one problem with this line of thinking. Yes, if you don’t do anything, nothing bad happens. However, nothing good happens, either. Nothing happens.
So, seven years after my husband’s death, I took the plunge. I signed up for online dating and even went to a speed dating session at a local bar.
I approached online dating very seriously, enlisting help from close friends for my profile. It needed a dash of wit, a sprinkling of sass, and an attractive photo.
My first online date was at a nearby bar. I rushed home from work, put on a new outfit, makeup and perfume, and left the house looking and feeling like a million bucks. I walked into the bar where my date was sitting. Instantly, I could tell he wasn’t interested. (Not that I was, either. But since then, I always arrive earlier than the man on a first date to check out, rather than be checked out.) The whole thing went downhill from there. Next.
The following night, I met a divorce lawyer for a drink. That job description should have been a red flag, but remember, I was trying to put myself “out there.” He walked in and said: “You’re a babe.” The last time someone called me a babe was, well, never.
After a few more encounters in which men talked nervously and endlessly about themselves, I met a man who seemed intelligent, attractive and interested in me. We dated for a couple of months. It was good for the ego at first but turned out not to be a lasting relationship.
In addition to online dating, I’ve tried the novel approach of meeting men in person – at a speed dating event. But having a five-minute conversation isn’t much of a barometer for a relationship, so I’ve created some speed-dating tips for men over 50 (at right).
Speed dating dos and don’ts for men over 50
But I am not giving up. I’ve told friends to keep on the lookout for suitable partners for me. I also have a couple of first dates next week with men I’ve met online. And yes – expect me to get there first.