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John Lamb, Published April 17 2012

Lamb: Twins profile tunes are sad songs

It took halfway through the batting order at Minnesota Twins’ home opener to pinpoint the team’s troubles this year – bad tunes.

Sure, the Twins don’t have an ace on their pitching staff. Their lineup has more tough health questions than a chit-chat with Gregory House, M.D. And their corner outfielders are slower than your grandmother’s dial-up connection. Fans knew that going into the season.

What we didn’t know was that the team’s woefulness carries over to the players’ picks for profile songs.

Our first look at the big off-season signing, slugger Josh Willingham, was when he strode to the plate to the soundtrack of … “Your Love” by The Outfield?

What? Is this a nod to his position as an outfielder, or does he relate to bands that wore big bangs, pegged pants and paisley shirts when he was 8 years old?

After seeing how Willingham actually plays the outfield, Twins fans may start singing at him: “Why don’t you wanna use your glove tonight?”

In fairness, the Alabama basher alternates between that and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama,” which played before he homered in his second at-bat. So maybe he can drop “Your Love.”

After Willingham struck out, his partner in outfield misplays, Ryan Doumit, came to the plate to the tune of … “Mother”?

Mercy. Sure, the hard rock song by the half-pint, Hell-spawn howler Danzig is menacing, but you better have something more to show for it than no extra-base hits and one RBI in nearly two weeks.

Even Jamey Carroll, the new Nick Punto, has more RBIs than Doumit. The infielder has also had as many questionable at-bat anthems as he’s had teams in the last decade (He’s so old he came up as a Montreal Expo!). He’s gone from Van Halen’s “Jump” to Jane’s Addiction’s “Superhero” to John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses” and some song by the Dave Matthews Band – they all sound the same to me.

Now Carrol’s playing Jason Aldean’s “Dirt Road Anthem” because, maybe he thinks downtown Minneapolis is pretty rural?

Some are the same old some old.

Joe Mauer still bats to T.I.’s R&B song “What You Know,” as he has for a few years. What fans know is that it’s time for a new song because it hasn’t helped his performance the past two years.

Justin Morneau keeps cranking AC/DC, walking in to “Rock and Roll ain’t Noise Pollution.” This is by far the best song in the lineup to get a guy – and the crowd – pumped up, but maybe a guy still suffering concussion-like symptoms shouldn’t be tempted to head bang.

At least he didn’t follow fellow concussed Canadian and former Twin Corey Koskie’s lead playingRush’s “Tom Sawyer,” which led to a long pre-at bats of CK air-drumming.

I kid. Kinda. Classic rock really works best for at-bats. Chris Parmalee boogies to ZZ Top’s “Tush” while Trevor Plouffe pulls in to Led Zeppelin’s “When the Levee Breaks.”

Even pitchers have their own theme songs. Nick Blackburn gets loose to Zep’s “Black Dog.” Hats off to St. Paul’s Glen Perkins who represents Minnesota with Rocket Club’s “North Country.” (See the Minneapolis band at the Venue Friday night.)

But closers always get the coolest songs. I think AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” was retired with Padres great Trevor Hoffman and “Enter Sandman” may go to that great jukebox in the sky when Mariano Rivera hangs it up.

So what does Twins stopper Matt Capps have cued up when he trudges onto Target Field? Just the most telling song of what Minnesota fans should expect this season – Metallica’s “Sad but True.”

Readers can reach Forum reporter John Lamb at (701) 241-5533