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Tammy Swift and John Lamb, Published December 18 2011

He Said/She Said: He says ‘Ho, ho, ho’; she says ‘No, no, no’

Tammy: John, I’m afraid my holiday spirit is running on empty this year. You might say – heh, heh – that I’m suffering from low “elf-esteem.”

John: Should I just assume your follow-up jokes are about a lack of “elf-control” and reading “elf-help” books?

Tammy: Thanks for taking all the wind out of the sails of my very funny joke, which killed on Facebook last week. Or maybe it’s “wind out of my wassails.”

John: So you have the sense of humor of a kindygartener and yet no seasonal spirit?

Tammy: I don’t, and eating paste doesn’t help. I don’t know if it’s the lack of snow or just general grumpiness, but I do not seem to share the John Lamb Spirit of Christmas Present.

John: Oh, so you caught me air-drumming to Christmas carols?

Tammy: How is that different from when you air-drum to Triumph or Judas Priest?

John: More sleigh bells. Duh! You should try it if you need to jumpstart your seasonal spirit.

Tammy: I just don’t get how you manage to get so fired up about Christmas every year. It’s so against your hipster contrarian nature to love something – besides flannel or the Drive-by Truckers – so fiercely.

John: I love bacon. And Oliver Platt. And I love this time of the year. I get to see old friends and family and spoil my nephews with cheep toys and lots of sugar. What’s not to love?

Tammy: Well, I have noticed that you are growing a Santa-worthy beard. And your belly does shake like a bowlful of jelly when you laugh at another one of your own jokes. I guess I’m more of an eggnog-glass-is-half-empty kind of girl. I lived for Christmas as a kid, but now it’s all about to-do lists and crazy shopping and worrying that I might buy my sister-in-law the wrong sweater.

John: You’re too worried about other people’s expectations. Christmas should be a time to enjoy the company of those you love – until they start singing. Then you tell them to leave. For gifts, do something you like to share, like baking. Make them a frosted CherPumPle and they’ll feel the love clog their arteries.

Tammy: That reminds me. Here’s a cookie tray I made you for Christmas. Don’t mind the empty row; it’s supposed to be like that. Oh, and don’t forget to bring back the plate. It’s the thought that counts right?


Tammy Swift and John Lamb split their time between bickering with each other and writing feature content at The Forum. Their column is an occasional feature in SheSays.