Published December 15 2011
Morast: Playing the role of Nostradamus …
Some warn of upcoming doom, gloom and unfortunate slang words. Others predict that I will soon be working as a fast food janitor.
Unfortunately, those emails rarely come my way.
However, Yahoo recently slid a note into my inbox that claims to predict what will happen in 2012. The big headline: The world will not end in 2012.
Guess I’ll continue paying my mortgage and stuff.
While Yahoo’s prophetic powers aren’t too impresive they did rekindle a childhood dream of becoming my generation’s Nostradamus.
So, here are a run of predictions that were divined from gently inhaling the smoke of smoldering crayons and boysenberries.
- At least one of the Fargo-Moorhead nightly newscasts will switch to HD broadcasts. Five seconds after watching our favorite broadcasters in high def, we’ll realize they’re not as glamorous as we thought they were.
- After he finally realizes most of North Dakota is tired of his act to prolong the University of North Dakota nickname debate, Rep. Al Carlson will abandon the issue. Eight days later he will feel bored, unfulfilled and long for the affirmations from people who echoed his views. Three days after that dull epiphany he will announce a plan to ensure that North Dakota will never export a drop of its oil outside the United States. All of our state’s xenophobes will celebrate the proposal which will, ultimately, do nothing but clog the media with unrealistic expectations and give talk radio hosts another topic to mine until it’s empty.
- Oil will continue to build a divide between North Dakota’s west and east side populations to the point that those of us east of the Missouri will refer to West River folk as “Oilers” – and not in an affectionate way. The West River people will continue to call us “uppity.”
- Moorhead’s city leaders will ban the sale of apples inside city limits after they realize the popular fruit can be fashioned into adequate smoking bongs.
- Minnesota will find ways to repair its budget, but the roads in Moorhead will still exist in a state of disrepair that’s reminiscent of driving in a third world country.
A Once it’s clear she won’t be nominated for the GOP’s presidential candi-date, Minnesota’s Michelle Bachman will be brought in as the celebrity host for a Jello-wrestling dance party in The Hub. Her eerie smile will dominate the evening – but she won’t lose a single wrestling match.
- Ricky Rubio will make the Timberwolves a more exciting and relevant team. He will also make the five o’clock shadow cool again. However, the Spanish phenom still won’t push the T-Wolves into the NBA playoffs.
- The mildly-anticipated Facebook phone will prove how boring we really are by sending out automatic updates to Facebook based on GPS and communicative technology. An example:
33 seconds ago: Robert Morast is driving his car through a car wash.
9 minutes ago: Robert Morast is driving on a gravel road outside of Fargo.
16 minutes ago: Robert Morast is leaving his garage.
27 minutes ago: Robert Morast is still playing “Call of Duty” on his Xbox 360.
3 hours ago: Robert Morast is playing “Call of Duty” on his Xbox 360.
- A mere 13 percent of the U.S. population will vote in the 2012 presidential election. And it won’t be a unified protest inspired by the “Occupy” movement. Most of us just won’t care enough to go to a polling center and express an opinion about people who are only interesting as unintentional comedians.
- A Fargo-Moorhead artist will create an “Occupy”-inspired form of protest art with Fargo philanthropist Doug Burgum as the focal point. This will become a very popular news story, and while the art won’t be kind it will vault Burgum into an even higher level of local adoration than he’s at now.
- The Fargodome will book one of these concerts: Aerosmith, Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones or The Black Eyed Peas. It will be held on a Saturday evening. And it won’t sellout; not even close.
- Fargo will not flood this spring and we’ll all be quite cool with that.
Readers can reach Forum Features Editor Robert Morast at (701) 241-5518