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John Lamb, Published December 06 2011

Lamb: It’s Christmas – Siri, please phone home

Usually by this time of the year I am filled with more Christmas spirit than a teen with a stolen thermos of egg nog.

However, this season I’m having a little trouble getting fired up because I’m anxiously waiting for my iPhone.

It was an early Christmas for Apple addicts when the 4S line was announced this fall, but it took me a while to buy into the hype.

Then all my guy friends started gushing about Siri.

If you haven’t yet heard her cool, calming siren call, Siri is the pocket-sized personal assistant or “knowledge navigator” on the new iPhones. Think of her as a 21st-century Joan Harris – the sexy office manager on “Mad Men” – with Sakakawea’s sense of direction, all packaged in Kate Moss’ waif-like body.

You don’t have to be an Apple purist to pick up on Siri’s charms. And as my Brokeberry suffers a slow death, it was only natural for me to seek solace in the voice of some sleeker, sexier model.

And what a great time to meet someone new. With all the excitement, the hustle and bustle, Siri would jump in as my new partner in crime, my very own sassy elf sidekick.

She’d organize my wish list and send it to family members – with thoughtful reminders every hour.

I imagine us in the kitchen; Siri perched up on the counter reciting directions for all my Christmas cookies, then modeling as I decorated them to look like iPhones.

We’d be out shopping for gifts and I’d get so flustered making decisions until Siri would calmly chime in.

“Oh, just give them all framed pictures of yourself,” she’d coo. “Better yet, I’ll take your picture now with my handy 8MP camera and email it to them.”

For my Christmas cards, I would have my picture taken sitting on Siri’s lap. Or maybe just a shot of the two of us staring eye-to-screen.

She would better help me document my Christmas cheer. I would consult with her as I decorate my mom’s house, then Siri would take a picture of the finished work and send it to my siblings in the Twin Cities:

Just thought you’d want to see all the hard work getting Mom’s house ready for your visit.

Yours in Fargo,

Mom’s favorite child.

Siri would think of everything, even my spiritual well-being. At midnight Mass, when I got lost in the revised liturgy, Siri would whisper the next lines in my ear. Joy to my world!

Alas, the Apple elves haven’t been able to keep up with demands for the popular 4S lines and requests are back-ordered until at least Dec. 16.

That will be cutting it close for having a very Siri Christmas, but I have a lot of faith that she’ll deliver.

I’m still dreaming of a white iPhone Christmas, but Siri, I’ll be blue just thinking about you.


Readers can reach Forum reporter John Lamb at (701) 241-5533