« Continue Browsing

e-mail article Print     e-mail article E-mail

Tammy Swift and John Lamb, Published October 04 2011

He Said/She Said: A coffee a day helps keep the doldrums away

Editor’s note: They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Yet John Lamb and Tammy Swift don’t even live in the same solar system. These two co-workers, who sit in side-by-side cubicles, can’t agree on anything.

Now the office Bickersons will channel some of their conflicts into a new column, He Said/She Said. They will discuss some of the age-old issues that divide men and women, such as communication differences, common relationship problems and debates over who gets to hold the remote.

Tammy: John, you know how you always make fun of me for being moody, negative and hyper-sensitive? Or when I’m really grumpy and you sarcastically suggest that I “keep glowing, angel?”

John: Are you going to make me watch the “sensitivity” training video again?

Tammy: Yes, well at least it stopped you from putting on your headphones while I’m in mid-sentence.

I just wanted to let you know there’s hope, and it doesn’t have to involve me rolling a Prozac IV around the newsroom.

By now, you’ve heard of the study that claims women who drink more than a cup of coffee per day may decrease their risk of depression.

As the one who has to sit right across from me at work, I think you could be a key player in making The Jittery-But-Happy Tammification Project a reality.

John: I think I’d rather just watch the video again.

Tammy: Could we stay on task here? I’ve helpfully thought of several ways you could help me feel better. One: You could start buying my coffee-shop mochas for me to support “good neighbor relations.” Two: You could install a coffeemaker at your work station, which would not only make me more cheerful but would greatly enhance the resale value of your desk.

John: Or you could move your desk down the hall to the coffee machine. Is this caffeine high the positive side of coffee-stained teeth?

Tammy: What’s the point of having shiny teeth if there’s nothing to smile about? Then I might as well be Victoria Beckham. That’s why I think you need to install an espresso machine by your desk. In the winter, it gets too cold to walk to the coffee shop.

John: Hmmm … Wouldn’t you want it at your desk? And I suppose I’d have to clean it? Besides, it’s already proved that exercise combats depression. That’s why Bruce Jenner can’t quit smiling.

Tammy: If I could afford that much Botox, I’d smile, too. But I can’t. I can afford coffee. Well, as long as it’s on sale.

And according to this study in the Archives of Internal Medicine, the more coffee I consume, the happier I’ll be. They claim women who drink two to three cups of coffee a day reduce their risk of depression by 15 percent.

So considering that I drank about eight cups today, I am well on my way to becoming Kelly Ripa …

John: With the heart rate of Jim Cramer. So will coffee replace chocolate as your new anti-depressant of choice? And no, I’m not trying to say you’re fat.

Tammy: You bet it does. The same article said that many of the nastier claims against caffeine, such as cardiovascular problems, have not been proved by scientific study. At last, a vice I can live with.

John: That’s good to know because working with someone channeling Kelly Ripa would make my blood pressure soar. It makes me want to drink something stronger than Sanka.

Tammy: Just don’t act as grumpy as Regis, and we’ll be fine. I’m glad we’ve found, ahem, a “common ground.” So where should we put the Mr. Coffee? You don’t need that computer, do you?