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John Lamb, Published September 17 2011

Lamb: Recipe for roast of Lamb

If you’ve been watching cable TV this past week – and not been sucked in by some Food Network marathon like “Cake-tastrophe! Butchers of Baking” – you’ve no doubt been warned that Comedy Central is going to air the roast of Charlie Sheen Monday night.

The network has made a cottage industry of these roasts, skewering game subjects of dubious distinction, like Flavor Flav, David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson.

While Sheen’s constructive contributions to society are questionable, he has joined America together to watch and wait for his inevitable self-destruction. Making roasting him as easy as … shooting Charlie Sheen floating face down in a barrel of booze. The only question of the night will be when and how often, not if, Sheen’s catch-phrase, “Winning!” will be used.

Sheen’s roasters look like a parole officer’s fantasy death pool picks, featuring face tattoo model Mike Tyson, scatological stuntman Steve-O and chemically embalmed guitarist Slash.

As ridiculous as they are, I like these roasts. After my 40th birthday, I realized I should’ve organized my own roast and invited friends to mock my fondness for bad heavy metal, flannel and my propensity to over-indulge while sharing stories from my checkered past.

I’d even invite those I’ve poked fun at here in the paper to have their say.

I can hear Fargo Mayor Denny Walaker:

“When they asked me to do this, they said, ‘Just go up there and get back at him for all the jokes he made about you.’ I said, ‘Those were supposed to be funny?’ ”

Former Fargo Police Chief Chris Magnus could send in a taped greeting.

“People may not know this, but in 2000, the FPD’s Party Patrol was called to Lamb’s apartment twice in five weeks. Twice! I didn’t know he had that many friends. I hear he hasn’t cleaned his apartment since.”

The real reason to watch roasts is seeing which smiling speaker goes blue. I’d imagine my work neighbor, Tammy Swift, could channel her inner-Lisa Lampenelli.

“John Lamb. Why does everyone say both ‘John’ and ‘Lamb?’ I guess they just sound right together, just like saying his name and ‘Shut the #*@% up!’ Seriously, I’m glad you could make it. I guess the KFC buffet was closed? Seriously though, we wanted to hold this event someplace that meant a lot to him, and I’m so glad we could all fit into the men’s room at Dempsey’s Pub. Seriously though, John Lamb is his own favorite person, so much so that he wrote all of my jokes about him. What the #*@% is up with that? Oh well, at least one person thought it was funny.”

Actually, I think and hope my friends would be a little harder on me than this. I’ve had it coming.

Maybe I can do a roast for my 50th birthday. That gives me time to find a drummer to do rim shots.

I wonder if Tommy Lee will still be alive then.

Readers can reach Forum reporter John Lamb at (701) 241-5533