Published September 09 2011
Morast: Breaking the rule of Vegas
That’s why I’m sharing some industry secrets on hooking up passed on to me by the coolest ex-boxer-turned-welder-turned-cabbie in all of Las Vegas.
He was driving me to the airport while providing a lesson on how he, an average-looking guy who drives a taxi, has a very busy social life. These tips are culled from interviewing the women he drives around Sin City, and from his part-time job working at a popular nightclub.
These are good tips. Very obvious tips. But tips every single guy should read because, well, I want to help all you single guys put a ring on it.
- You need a flat stomach. There is no wiggle room on this. If you’re rolling with a spare tire around your waist, get in the gym. And the cabbie was clear that guys don’t need to have the type of perfectly chiseled and oily abdomens that are featured in NordicTrack commercials. Rippled muscles aren’t the key; it’s the lack of girth. You can be soft and flat, but not soft and fat.
- It’s all about the look. Society tries to make us believe it’s not about appearances. Wrong. According to the cabbie, your clothes – and flat stomach – mean more to a woman than your personality, at least initially. And it’s not about having the face of a model. Granted, looking like Eric Stoltz in “The Mask” is probably a deal breaker, but my cabbie says the women tell him if the man is wrapped in a nice suit, they’re more willing to see what’s underneath – remember, flat stomach.
- Don’t buy a woman drinks. At least, not right away. Mr. Cabbie says that if you’re dancing with a woman, she doesn’t deserve a drink until after four dances. No idea why four is the magic number, but he says that’s the quota where a woman has “earned it.” Also, he says to walk away from any woman who asks you to buy her a drink. They’re not interested in you.
- Make her feel like a queen. In club parlance, this equates to buying a woman a drink or providing her compliments in front of her friends. Cabbie says to show her friends she’s the Queen Bee, and you want her friends to know that.
- You can’t compete with the hunks. Don’t even try to steal a woman’s attention away from a Brad Pitt. It will fail every time.
I hope this helps any single guys lamenting over their lacking love lives.
And if any of you women are fuming over this with allegations of chauvinism, just realize one thing: Men are clueless.
Ladies, you’re intuitive enough to know when a man is interested in you. We’re not. I’ve been married for six years, and I still have no idea why my beautiful wife settled for me.
And a warning to the guys: My wife laughed at these tips from the cabbie. So maybe what works in Vegas only works in Vegas.
Nick Stoltman, the former Moorhead High and Moorhead State (I’m going old school) quarterback was booted off the reality TV dating show “The Ultimate Merger” last night.
It’s a bummer for all the people who pull for the locals on these programs. It’s also a bummer because Stoltman was an awesome quote machine, spitting out lines that dance on the boundary between moronic and profound.
An example: “The girl’s got more balls than a bingo game.”
To be clear, I didn’t see last night’s episode. But the set-up from the previous week’s installment ended with Stoltman stuck in the center of a tense white vs. black kerfuffle that left the show’s prize, model Tocarra, yelling at the men she’s supposedly smitten with. It’s easy to imagine why Stoltman was sent packing.
I tried to get Stoltman on the phone Thursday to talk about the dismissal, but I was – along with his publicist – unable to locate him.
Maybe he was playing bingo.
Readers can reach Forum Features Editor Robert Morast at (701) 241-5518.