Published August 12 2011
Morast: Party truths for ‘old’ people
It’s 8:32 a.m. on Thursday morning and my body is wet, tired and trying to figure out how my 35-year-old self just spent the past five days partying like it was 1997 and I was a college kid who could get by on three hours of sleep a night.
Even more bizarre is why my body feels like it’s been drunk for days despite the fact that I don’t drink alcohol – at all.
With my body rebelling against the compulsion to get to work, I’m lying in bed, letting the memories of this awesome session roll through the brain.
Aside from rearranging my circadian rhythms and reminding me how much fun it is to, well, have fun, the run of wild nights reaffirmed several party truths I’d forgotten during some pretty boring years. Among them:
- Don’t underestimate the addictive properties of beanbag. In two days, through three parties and one Alice Cooper concert, myself and a group of others played, roughly, 14 hours of the game that compels you to toss bean bags onto boards with holes. Toward the end, we wondered if it was worth quitting our jobs to join the World Bean Bag Association. Even now I still think it’s a good idea.
- The rules of physics don’t apply to drunk people. Even if they can’t stand straight, see clearly or walk in a straight line, these inebriated compatriots actually improve their skills in games like beanbag or flip cup. Somehow their bag tosses bend like curveballs before sinking in the holes. And they can flip slippery, upside-down plastic cups back upright with extreme geometric precision. It’s amazing. And should probably be studied by science.
- For some unquantifiable reason, everybody under age 39 loves hearing – and singing along to – ’90s dance music at 2 a.m. Even in a garage. This is bad if you hate hearing people scream “What is love?” while dancing and spilling their cups of beer.
- Sober people: Never, never trust a drunk guy when he says he needs a ride to someplace “five or six blocks away.” I fell for the trick, assuming I’d be chauffeuring a wobbly fellow in a quick round trip. Wrong. By the time we eclipsed the five-block path, Mr. Drunk said “oh, it’s just five more blocks.” Fifteen minutes – and 155 blocks – later, we were pushing against farmland on the western outskirts of West Fargo to pick up a person who was even more drunk than my co-pilot.
- When it’s late and you drive up to a house party that’s dying down, drunk women waiting for rides will try to get into your vehicle. They’re not lonely. And they’re not trying to create an, um, “romantic” event. They just see a vehicle and assume it’s the taxi/friend/spaceship they were waiting for. This always ends badly. Consider this a reminder to lock your doors when parked outside a house party.
- Don’t go camping after days of partying. This is especially true if you have to hike miles to the site, in mud, pulling a cooler that’s heavier than a wild boar, and when you get there you realize the site doesn’t have electricity. You’re going to get cranky and it’s only going to make the trip uncomfortable for your fellow campers. Trust me.
- Cherish these moments. The older we get, the fewer opportunities we have to feel careless, reckless and spontaneous. Unless you’re a cowboy, then this partying lifestyle stays with you until, at least, age 63.
Readers can reach Forum Features Editor Robert Morast at (701) 241-5518 or firstname.lastname@example.org