Published December 19 2010
Swift: Christmas wish #1: to share wish listNormally, I keep my list of Christmas wishes to myself.
But this year, I plan to share it with all the readers out there in Forumland. I don’t claim to wish for anything particularly noble or notable. I just wish for the same things many of us do: a little family harmony, some self-control at the holiday potluck and a teensy dash of appreciation from the receivers on our gift lists.
In other words: “Peace on Earth, good will toward Tam.”
Let’s hit it.
- Please let me possess enough willpower to control myself around the holiday sweets, especially considering my unfortunate genetic predisposition for packing on fat tissue like a prize heifer. I understand the average person gains seven to 12 pounds from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Eve. That’s nothing.
I gained 12 pounds after last weekend’s baking day with the girls (possibly because my pockets were stuffed with Russian tea cakes).
- Please let my family get along peacefully and harmoniously throughout my six-day holiday.
We always start out so well. Everyone is on their best behavior and genuinely happy to see each other. But then the old grudges flare up. My sisters start bossing me around as if I am 8 years old again. I become the Passive-Aggressive Pouter, who will surely gain revenge with my loud sighs and refusal to make eye contact.
My dad will start stomping around the house, switching off lights and grumbling under his breath. Mom will present the family with a tray of decadent, home-baked goodies and then turn to me and say, “Tammy, we also have diet loganberry sherbet.”
- Please let the various young people on my giving list be somewhat appreciative. One year, a couple of young ones opened their gift cards and then turned to us and said, “We don’t even shop there.”
I wanted to snap back, “We have to buy for eight different nieces and nephews, and you guys are at an age where you are impossible to buy for, and our own aunts and uncles never gave us Christmas gifts at all because life wasn’t all puppies and XBoxes and chocolate chip cookies like it is for kids these days.” But I didn’t, because, as noted earlier, I’m passive-aggressive. So I just headed to the kitchen and really showed them a thing or two by bingeing on fudge.
- Please let me find some “Christmas shoes” underneath the tree. My wish isn’t nearly so heart-tugging as the one outlined in Bob Carlisle’s super-sentimental song.
Instead, my plea simply revolves around a need to find decent shoes for my ridiculous platypus feet. I am specifically hoping for Merrells because my old ones have worn out. The very thought of slipping my dogs into these melty-soft shoes and feeling my ample foot tissue spread out like pancake batter inside a horse trough makes me warm and happy inside. It would be a Christmas miracle.
- Please spare me from the deranged Christmas elves who are so busy trying to send the best holiday letter, buy the best tree and decorate the best house that they make the rest of us feel like pikers.
Talk about “cheer pressure.”
Readers can reach Forum reporter Tammy Swift at (701) 241-5525