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John Lamb, Published May 15 2010

Lamb: Columnist has bone to pick with zombies

Blood. Guts. Mindless people pawing at your head, mumbling something about admiring you “braaaains.” It’s just another Saturday night in downtown Fargo, right?

The third Zombie Pub Crawl shuffles up and down Broadway tonight proving again that there ain’t no party like a walking dead party ’cuz the walking dead don’t stop.

The zombie soiree starts at Duffy’s around 4 p.m. and winds down at The Aquarium after 10.

But at least one bar won’t be serving ghouls.

On Sunday, the Sidestreet Grille & Pub, connected to the Howard Johnson hotel, posted a note on its Facebook page that was so loud and clear, even the undead could comprehend:

“NO ZOMBIES ALLOWED!!! We appreciate the business, but the PROPERTY of the HOTEL (which we are in) cannot deal with the mess!!! We will not be allowing ANY ZOMBIES for the annual ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL!!! PLEASE PASS THE WORD … Thank you :-)”

The most conscientious zombie will tell you they’re a bit of a mess. Their dripping blood leaves its mark, and since it’s created with something like corn syrup it’s tough to clean up.

No word on whether the Sidestreet has banned Rob Zombie from the jukebox, but congratulations to the bar for standing up to the hoards of walking dead farmers (farmbies), beauty queens (bimbombies) and politicians (Barack Ozombies). And kudos for showing intolerance toward the undead but still being human enough to sign off with a smiley face.

I for one appreciate the zombie-free zone, but I just may brave other bars to pick some zombies’ brains about what makes them tick. Something’s been eating me. I normally don’t have the stomach for horror movies, but I finally made it through the 2004 shopping-mall remake of “Dawn of the Dead.”

Compared with other spooky movies I’ve tried (and failed) to watch, “Dawn” re-dux isn’t the goriest or the most shocking, but it fills the viewer with inescapable dread. There’s not just one maniacal slasher out there; it’s a growing plague spread one bite at a time. The mutant family in the woods or the species of cave-dwellers that descend on interlopers? You can run from them. Stuck in a shopping mall as the outside world becomes more rabid than Black Friday shoppers? Kill me now.

But after the movie, I started thinking: If zombies live (or exist) by feeding on flesh, how threatening would the remains of the prey be?

For example, I’d be a good-sized meal for a pack of undead, but once they finished chewing me up, how much of me would be left to run after healthy humans? Granted, I would lose bite-sized amounts of weight, but would I have the musculature needed to maneuver?

Not to mention, if zombies are so fond of disemboweling the living, how do the newly undead digest?

I don’t mean to shoot holes in the zombie fun, but I’d like one of the blood-splattered revelers to explain themselves.

But I better get there early before the zombies get their fill of booze and are incapable of only uttering, “Beeeeer.”

If you go

Readers can reach Forum columnist John Lamb at (701) 241-5533