Published February 07 2010
Swift: Swift parallels go beyond a monikerI’ll never forget this one time interviewing a woman for a story.
At one point during the interview, she turned to her grade-school-aged daughter and said: “This is Tammy Swift. She writes an article for The Forum.”
Her little daughter looked as if she’d just learned Zac Efron had joined the witness protection program. “A writer?” she said, obviously crestfallen. “I thought she was Taylor Swift’s mom.”
Oh, how I wish.
As I watch the golden-haired Miss Swift bring home the latest statue for her massive trophy collection, I can’t help but think: Wouldn’t it be cool if Taylor actually were my daughter?
I could retire and rest on my parental laurels. I could give interviews to entertainment magazines about where I thought Lindsey Lohan’s and Britney Spears’ parents went wrong. I could smile modestly and say: “Why, yes, the musical part does come from my side of the family. So does the curly hair.”
In fact, I’m not entirely convinced that we aren’t related. There’s the aforementioned curly locks. I, too, was an anguished teen girl. Taylor dropped her Grammy; I once dropped a box of glass ketchup bottles down the basement steps.
Obviously, we were separated at birth. (Granted, I was a tad premature.) Still not convinced? Consider the evidence. Decades before Taylor made her mark on the world, I was building quite a following for the Swift name myself. Just look at the eerie parallels in our lives so far.
- Taylor¸ at the tender age of 20, brought home four Grammy awards last week, including the coveted top prize for album of the year.
Tammy, at the tender age of 13, brought home top honors for the seventh-grade division of the Morton County Spelling Bee – including a T-shirt that read: “Ask me if I can spell Massachusetts!” – in 1978.
- Taylor performed at the Grammys with one of her idols, Stevie Nicks.
Tammy has both an Uncle Steve and an Uncle Nick.
- Taylor received international attention when Kanye West rudely interrupted her acceptance speech at the VMAs.
Tammy has employed a lawyer in hopes of getting Kanye to pay damages to all people with the last name of Swift.
- Rumors abound that Taylor is romantically linked with “Twilight” beefcake Taylor Lautner.
Rumors abound that Tammy is unnaturally attached to her poster of Rip Taylor.
- As a teen, Taylor wrote many of her mega-hits.
As a teen, Tammy wrote, “My sister is a sludgeworm BECAUSE I KNOW SHE’S READING THIS!!!” in her diary.
- Taylor guest-hosted “Saturday Night Live,” fulfilling a dream she’s had since she was a little girl.
Tammy has been watching “Saturday Night Live” since she was a little girl.
- Taylor gave a show-stopping turn at the 43rd annual Academy of Country Music Awards. During her performance, she changed from a hooded sweatshirt and jeans to a short black halter dress, then belted out the final verse under a cascading waterfall. The young star later said she’d daydreamed about doing that performance since she was 10 years old.
Tammy gave a searing, multi-faceted dual performance as “Stump No. 2/Dangling Participle” in the Sacred Heart Catholic School’s fifth-grade skit, “Trouble in Grammar Forest.” The young girl later said she daydreamed about riding a unicorn someday.
- Taylor became the fifth teenage female singer to top Billboard’s Hot Country Songs chart with her hit, “Our Song.”
Tammy became the fifth teenager to climb her city’s airport tower in 1983.
- Taylor was ranked No. 57 on Maxim’s Hot 100 of 2008 list.
After an unfortunate eraser-clapping incident, Tammy was told by a fourth-grade substitute teacher: “You’re on my list.”
We’re practically the same person.
Just call me Taylor Sr.
Readers can reach Forum reporter Tammy Swift at (701) 241-5525 or firstname.lastname@example.org