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John Lamb, Published November 21 2009

Lamb: I’ve got a beef with ‘Twilight’

I have a bone to pick with the “Twilight” series: Where’s the beef?

I’m not talking about the hunky “New Moon” werewolves who look like “The Outsiders” moonlighting as Thunder from Down Under. And I’m certainly not talking about the pasty vam-pouters like Edward, who could use a little color in their life.

And why is he so pallid? It’s not because he’s a vampire, it’s because he’s “a vegetarian.”

Edward and the rest of the Cullen clan have bucked centuries of vampire tradition and forsaken human blood for animals.

“We call ourselves vegetarians,” Edward tells Bella. “It’s our little joke.”

Ha! Well, I’m not laughing.

It’s not just those kooky Cullens that have gone on to greener pastures.

In the movie “Twilight” Bella makes a point of ordering garden burgers, though in the books she eats chicken and fish. She also lectures her father, a carnivorous cop, to start eating healthier.

Sure, just stuff it down our throats why don’t you.

Author Stephenie Meyer appears in the movie as “woman who orders a vegetarian salad in the diner,” and smiles wickedly when the waitress makes a point of announcing “Here’s your vegetarian platter, Stephenie.”

What’s that? I didn’t hear you. I was too busy choking on all this tofu.

Some people have complained about a perceived pro-abstinence agenda in the series, while others complained about Bella being a weak character and not a good role model for young females.

But what really fries my giblets is equating vegetarians with good and meat-eaters with evil.

Vegetarian vampires are even supposed to be better looking with gold eyes instead of red.

Gold eyes, skin that shimmers in the sun and a fondness for wearing white? Don’t you see? The Cullens aren’t vampires, they’re bland-pires.

Actually, the only group to get worked up over the notion of these vege-pires are real life vegetarians who feel Meyer missed the mark and that a vegetarian hunting and feasting on a deer, as depicted in the opening of “Twilight,” is insulting to herbivores.

Some critics see Meyer’s work as derivative of previous vampire writing, but if she really wanted to suck up to vegans, maybe she should’ve modeled the Cullens after another young reader phenomenon: “Bunnicula,” the adorable pet rabbit who sucked the color out of the garden.

Bunnicula is even cuddlier than a Cullen, so chew on that, Edward.

Readers can reach Forum columnist John Lamb at (701) 241-5533