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Robert Morast, Published September 04 2009

Morast: Vampire craze is going global

If you listen to the crazy voices in our society you’re sure to hear how the world is about to be overtaken by dark forces.

Talk radio overreaactionists are certain socialism is about to warp our way of life.

Conspiracy theorists are waiting for “truth” to reveal that the H1N1 vaccine contains government-designed nanobots programmed to rewrite our DNA.

Meanwhile, people who believe Art Bell is this generation’s Walter Cronkite are certain the world is about to end – either by the sun’s supernova or a comet obliterating our planet.

It’s easy to dismiss these claims. But you shouldn’t. 2009 will be remembered as the year Earth was overtaken by questionable forces. But the crackpots are wrong. Our biggest problem isn’t socialism, government secrets or cosmic catastrophe. It’s vampires. And they’ve already take over our society. The bloodsuckers are everywhere.

Walk through Barnes & Noble and you’ll find aisles of books about, for or “written” by vampires. It goes much deeper than the uber-popular “Twilight” series. There are even books on how to cope with the sapping powers of emotional vampires.

Somewhere, Bram Stoker’s descendants are screaming for royalty checks.

Turn on your television this fall and there’s a good chance you’ll be inviting the undead into your home.

“True Blood” continues its vampire tales of sex and synthetic blood on HBO. The CW will reveal vampires’ inner secrets on “The Vampire Diaries.” And, given the popularity of these suave monsters, there are sure to be several vampire commercials and made-for-TV movies on the SyFy network – please, please let one star David Hasselhoff.

There will be little relief in the movie theaters as fang fests like “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant” and the upcoming “Twilight” film “New Moon” will fill the theaters with vampires. Just in case, be sure to put some garlic salt on your popcorn.

And just don’t forget Halloween. Vampires will be the must-have costume this year. Get your fangs early.

Whether real or not, the world hasn’t had this many fangs since sabertooth tigers were feeding on primitive man.

So why now? Why have vampires become our preferred cultural bogeyman of the moment? Are they our resentments of corporate greed personified? Are they a rationalization of our primal desires?

No idea.

More than likely they’re just everywhere because teenage girls think people with fangs are cool. Remember, teenage girls are the tastemakers of our society.

Regardless of the why, or how, this time period will be remembered as the Age of Vampires.

It doesn’t matter if all of our vampire sightings are fiction. Our art will determine the reputation of the day. Just as sanitary TV shows like “The Donna Reed Show” have skewed our idea of 1950s America to reflect a perfect suburbia with families devoid of depravity or dementia, this decade will be chronicled as the era when people had unnatural teeth, fed off their neighbors without remorse and were afraid of letting the sun toast their skin.

Actually, it sounds kind of accurate.

Readers can reach Forum Features Editor Robert Morast at (701) 241-5518 or rmorast@forumcomm.com